** BOMBSHELL - Below is the actual teleprompter wording for Broken News Media anchorman Nicolas Master-Bastard's news bulletin including reading instructions**
Welcome back and breaking news just in, a massive verbal war has erupted between two largely ineffective Australian senators. The stoush has got so serious, most people don't know the Teals they can't name even exist.
Reports claim the largely forgettable Senator Pauline Hanson told the largely disregarded Greens Senator Mehreen Faruqui to piss off back to where she came from resulting in a Censor motion in the Senate today. As a result lots of time was taken away from actual Senate matters like being the House of Review & reviewing legislation in line to be passed.
Long time political observer & front bar commentator Polly Watcher has told reporters today that...
"I've never seen anything like it. Usually the deflections & distractions to grotesquely raise their profile & get out of actual Senate business are usually far more subtle. Now they're normalising it, more open about their mental truency and unashamedly mainstreaming their job avoidance. It's refreshing to see such honesty"
Breath once, tilt head to the left slightly then level back to even
Sources close the Greens Party were said to be seeing red until they unravelled the Chinese National Flag they were tangled up in. Then they began to glow red with anger after Hanson's comments about Senator Faruqi needing to return to her country of birth.
Sources close to, but trust me, not from prominent & long time Greens staffer Veganette Him-Her told reporters
Quote "I'm shocked that Pauline Hanson told her to go back to where she came from. It's racist & intolerant & it is entirely Pauline Hanson's fault as this was all avoidable. If Hanson had gone back to where she'd come from as Senator Lydia Thorpe had racistly told her to, Hanson's racist comment would never have happened...so it's Hanson's fault. She should now go back to where she came from. Overseas somewhere, back to where her people originate & should belong. I apologise if I have mis-gendered Senator Hanson, she makes no effort to share her chosen gender identity & I'm only using the she/her because her colleagues, family, friends & everyone else with basic sense use those terms in reference to Senator Hanson. She is deliberately vague about her gender identity to try & get people to guess and hopefully misgender her to create false oppression guilt points. Creating false oppression is a Greens strategy & we reject her unfairly & blantantly using our method. It's clearly cultural appropriation like wearing black face or calling a pizza a pizza when it's clearly flat bread with a heap of stuff on top" End Quote
Breath silently look deeper into camera
Other sources close to other sources who maybe on the sauce stated that sources close to them suggest the Greens Party room is seething as usual, so nothing has changed there, not even their lack relevance, which despite them seething, they are used to. Seething is their normal, well you would be if you're on several hundred thousand dollars as a lawmaker in a country you're a citizen of but deeply hate.
Sources close to Greens leader Adam Bandt suggested
Quote "We're all Australians, we're all the same mob, united under the Australian flag and we should all help each other and not take pot shots at people. Not be unkind or disrespectfull to our own citizens based on differing culture or heritage. In Australian we are all one and any suggestions that we might be like the people of Pakistan who are clearly backward as a people and as a nation and not comparable as the incredibly superior elite class that is Greens Party's excessively overpaid elected members is intolerable & demeaning." End Quote
Breath silently
In other news, there is a surge in the unemployment numbers with a noticably sharp spike of unempoyed parody comedy writers. A spokesperson for the Media, Entertainment & Arts Alliance Nigella Purple-Hare said they've never seen a collapse in the sector this serious.
Quote "You cannot pull the piss when the real people are so full of piss. There's just piss everywhere. Writers, actors, producers are swimming in other people's piss, the streets, the parliaments, the beaches, the Marxist art gallery collectives, especially the Marxist art gallery collectives are so full of oceans of miles deep piss we cannot even discern how full of shit they are. This is the end of the industry. Many maybe forced to go back to where they came from. Their old bedroom in their parents home which has been converted into a sewing room when they finally moved out aged 45" End Quote
Breath quickly, change to postive tone, give a half smile showing half your whitened teeth.
And after the break will see all the latest in Business including what's none of yours and which stocks you need to buy for my retirement.
Because I own them and they're rubbish and have to unload them quickly.
You're with Nicolas Master-Bastard on The Broken News Network, see you after the break
Cut to the break - Whimisically nod to camera, shuffle the blank papers you're holding then turn to the floor manager coming into shot as the lighting fades to 50% and pretend you're exchanging a positive comment with him...even though he hates his job & you. Throw in a light chuckle for extra effect.
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